My Interview with MoNa

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MY INTERVIEW WITH MONA (MOTHER NATURE)

Note: Having heard that Mother Nature was going to briefly take the form of a Female Coyotess, I, your humble correspondent, sat her down for an interview. Here's the transcript:

I: Well, First - Welcome, Mother Nature.

MN: Please, Call Me MoNa.

I: Certainly. Can I get you a chair?

MN: No, I'm fine here on Felix.

I: Felix?

MN: That's who the floor is made from. And your chair - that's Harold.

I: You name all your trees?

MN: Of course. I name everything I birth. It's hard coming up with new names sometimes, especially with grasslands or raindrops.

I: I imagine that you are sad that Felix and Harold were killed to make creature comforts.

MN: Sad? Of course not. They make lovely creature comforts... for now.

I: For now?

MN: Yes, for now. Soon enough, they'll be dust, and then they can begin again. Lovely.

I: Lovely? It's lovely to have things reduced to dust?

MN: All things are, my sweet. All things must pass Except styrofoam, of course.

I: Do you prefer life over, um, 'dust'?

MN: Of course. Dust gets boring after a few thousand million years. I love life. Madly, deeply. Life of all types and kinds.

I: Even disease?

MN: Well, a disease is not a disease to itself, dear boy. To itself, it's just another thing striving to survive. In that way, It's beautiful.

I: I suppose you can't take sides, can you?

MN: Exactly. The plant robs the soil, the gazelle eats the plant, the cheetah eats the gazelle, and when the cheetah dies, the soil claims him. It is the circle of life and it's my favorite thing.

I: I like it too. Could I tell you a bit about myself?

MN: I know you already, but sure. Why not?

I: Good. Well, first; I recycle. I joined the Sierra Club at thirteen, I donate to Greenpeace and the World Wildlife Fund, and every year I plant a tree.

MN: I think that's swell.

I: Swell? I thought you'd be more impressed.

MN: Oh, Okay. How's this: Super-Duper Swell.

I: Hmmm. Okay - Let's talk about plastic. I'll bet you hate it and curse the day it was invented.

MN: It's not my favorite thing, no, but the colors are pretty.

I: Pretty Colors?! You do understand that it will take 500 years for them to naturally biodegrade, right?

MN: Exactly, so no big deal. Oh, wait - you think 500 years is a long time, don't you? Sorry. Sometimes I just forget that.

I: So you think 500 years isn't very long?

MN: You're funny. Lets just say I choose to take a long view of things. Still, I should have remembered your average life span.

I: I'm not sure I understand your cavalier attitude. I mean, there's litter and pollution everywhere.

MN: Not everywhere, dear boy, but I notice it, and no, I'm not a fan of pollution.

I: Not a fan?! You should be furious! People are ruining you! This very minute!

MN: Ruining me? Really? Let me ask you a question: If I spill this wine on your suit, are you ruined?

I: I'm not, but my suit is.

MN: Exactly. To me, people and all the things they do are like a pair of slacks or a dress. They will be here on me for a while, till they get stinky or out of style, and when that happens - I will move on.

I: Move on? As in... no more people here?

MN: Of course, Dear. That surprises you?

I: Well, Yeah, I figured we could stay.

MN: Oh, Wow - I didn't realize that, sweetie. Well, if that is what people want, they need to make some big, major changes in their behavior - and now!

I: Now we're talkin'! What should we do?

MN: You all need to go outside.

I: Right. Sure thing. Then what?

MN: That's the best part. Ready?

I: I'm a little scared, but I'm ready.

MN: Okay, here goes: You all need to go outside right away and..... Enjoy!

I: Enjoy? That's it? That's your solution?

MN: Of course. If you want to stay here with me, you have to learn to cherish me, and you can't do that inside. So, go out and experience the Winter air, sniff the Spring flowers, feel the summer sun. Throw a rock, swim, cut down a tree.

I: Cut down a tree? Surely you're joking.

MN: Well - don't go crazy and clear cut, but I don't mind someone cutting down a tree if they have a use for it. I can make more. In fact - I've made 3 million of them just since we've been chatting.

I: But it will take 30 years for them to mature and become real, vital trees.

MN: Exactly. An eye blink. Oh wait. There I go again, forgetting your life span.

I: I'm getting used to it now. So if we are just a 'dress' to you, are we your favorite dress so far?

MN: So far, yes. Time will tell. I will say this: you're much more dynamic than my amoeba dress, and you're much more hip than my dinosaur dress, and as for my ice dress - I hated that dress. It's impossible to strut your stuff in an ice dress.

I: I'm glad.

MN: I do have my concerns about my people dress, though.

I: You do? What are they, if you don't mind my asking. Wait, what am I saying? I'm an interviewer, for Pete's sakes.

MN: No worries. My concern is nuclear bombs.

I: Well, I share your concern, MoNa.

MN: Yes, the idea of wearing a drab brownish-gray dress until Saturday night makes me so sad. I'm tired of brown.

I: Saturday night? How many years is it 'till Saturday night for you?

MN: Well, it's Thursday now, so it will be Saturday night in around two-hundred-twenty-five thousand years.

I: An eye blink.

MN: You know, I'm becoming quite fond of you. You may live for some time.

I: Uh, Okay. Thank you, Mother Nature.

MN: You're welcome. Very much so. Yes.

I: Um, so do you kill people you don't like?

MN: Heavens, No, sweetie. Don't think that.

I: So you don't pick favorites or anything?

MN: Well, exactly what do you mean when you say 'pick'? Be clear

I: Do you do favors for people you like

MN: Well, you've got to understand, sweetie. MoNa is like any other woman; She has her friends, she has her foes, and then she has her (breathlessly) lovers.

I: Ahhhh - and what makes someone your lover?

MN: Well, I like to be caressed. I like the feel of hiking boots on my mountains; Of a plow furrowing my fields; Of a body swimming in my waters or rolling in my fields or racing through my valley's.

I: Can I be your lover too?

MN: Sure, Sugar. Come on outside, let's get to know each other better.